


Sword Art Online  Incorrect Quotes

by o0wolfy0o



Category: Sword Art Online (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Crack, Fun, I Tried, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-23
Packaged: 2021-03-24 19:41:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 59
Words: 1,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30077337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/o0wolfy0o/pseuds/o0wolfy0o
Summary: This is why authors need sleep
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

Kirito: Hey, it's your turn to wash dishes.  
Eugeo: I'LL WASH THE WALLS RED WITH YOUR BLOOD.  
Kirito: 'Kay, but before that, wash the dishes, also use soap this time?


	2. Chapter 2

Kirito: What the fuck is wrong with you?!   
Eugeo: Wow, you could start with a 'good morning'.   
Kirito: Good morning. What the fuck is wrong with you?!


	3. Chapter 3

Kirito: Treat spiders the way you want to be treated.  
Eugeo: Killed without hesitation.  
Kirito: No.


	4. Chapter 4

Kirito: What time is it?   
Eugeo: I don't know; pass me that saxophone and we'll find out   
Eugeo: *Plays sax loudly and extremely out of tune*   
Alice: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE AT TWO IN THE MORNING   
Eugeo: It's 2 am


	5. Chapter 5

Kirito: Don't worry, I got a plan.  
Eugeo: Alright.  
Kirito: TraitorSayWhat?  
Alice: Excuse me?  
Kirito: What?  
Eugeo:  
Kirito:  
Kirito: No wait-


	6. Chapter 6

Kirito: We need a distraction.  
Eugeo: Is anyone here good at jumping up and down and making weird noises?  
Alice, whispering: My time has come


	7. Chapter 7

Kirito: *Gently taps table*  
Eugeo: *Taps back*  
Alice: What are they doing?  
Asuna: Morse code.  
Kirito: *Aggressively taps table*  
Eugeo: *Slams hands down* YOU TAKE THAT BACK-


	8. Chapter 8

Kirito: You are now one day closer to eating your next plate of nachos.  
Eugeo: That's the most hopeful thing I've ever heard.  
Alice: But what if I die tomorrow and never eat any nachos?  
Asuna: Then tomorrow is nacho lucky day.


	9. Chapter 9

Kirito: Are we really going to let Eugeo keep Alice?   
Asuna: We kept Suguha.


	10. Chapter 10

Kirito: I'm an idiot.  
Eugeo:  
Alice:  
Asuna:  
Suguha:  
Kirito:  
Eugeo: If you're waiting for us to disagree, this is going to be a long day.


	11. Chapter 11

Kirito: Dumbest scar stories, go!   
Eugeo: I burned my tongue once drinking tea.   
Alice: I dropped a hair dryer on my leg once and burned it.   
Asuna: I have a piece of graphite in my leg for accidentally stabbing myself with a pencil in the first grade.   
Suguha: I was taking a cup of noodles out of the microwave and spilled it on my hand and I got a really bad burn.   
Yuuki:   
Yuuki: I have emotional scars.


	12. Chapter 12

Kirito: So are we flirting right now?  
Eugeo: I AM LITERALLY STABBING YOU  
Kirito: That doesn't answer my question


	13. Chapter 13

Kirito: I told Eugeo their ears flush when they lie.  
Alice: Why?  
Kirito: Look.  
Kirito: Hey Eugeo! Do you love us?  
Eugeo, covering their ears: No.  
Alice:


	14. Chapter 14

Kirito: You lying, cheating, piece of shit!  
Eugeo: Oh yeah? You're the idiot who thinks you can get away with everything you do. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD  
Kirito: I'm leaving you, and I'M TAKING ALICE WITH ME  
Asuna, picking up the monopoly board: I think we're gonna stop playing now.


	15. Chapter 15

Kirito: Good morning.   
Eugeo: Good morning.   
Alice: Good morning.   
Asuna: You all sound like robots, try spicing it up a bit.   
Suguha: MORNING MOTHERFUCKERS


	16. Chapter 16

Kirito: *Posts a super low-quality image to the group chat*   
Eugeo: If I had a dollar for every pixel in this image, I'd have 15 cents   
Kirito: If I had a dollar for every ounce of rage I felt in my body after I read this text, I would have enough money to buy a cannon to fire at you   
Alice: Actually I did the math, Eugeo would have $225, not $0.15.   
Eugeo: Fam I'm right here....   
Asuna: If I had a dollar I would buy a can of soda :)   
Kirito: while you're there could you buy me an apply juice please?   
Asuna: Sorry I only have a dollar   
Kirito: :(   
Alice: Hey I just realized my friend is right, Eugeo would have $22,500 because it's a dollar for every pixel, not a cent   
Asuna: If I had $22,500 I would buy a can of soda and an apply juice   
Alice: You can buy anything you want with $22,500   
Suguha: Yeah and they want soda and apply juice   
Alice: Apply juice to what   
Yuuki: Directly to the forehead   
Eugeo: Great chat everyone


	17. Chapter 17

Kirito: Someone will die.  
Eugeo: Of fun!


	18. Chapter 18

Kirito: This is a mistake   
Eugeo, enthusiastically: A mistake we're going to laugh about one day!   
Kirito: But not today   
Eugeo, still enthusiastic: Oh, no. Today's going to be a mess


	19. Chapter 19

Kirito: What are your goals?  
Eugeo: To pet all the dogs.  
Kirito: No, fitness goals.  
Eugeo: To be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs.


	20. Chapter 20

Kirito: That's one of my biggest fears. Like, if I ever woke up as a donut...  
Eugeo: You would eat yourself?  
Kirito: I wouldn't even question it.


	21. Chapter 21

Kirito: Don't worry, I know exactly what I'm doing. Everything is going to be fine!  
Eugeo: How can you still say that?  
Kirito: Because sometimes, when things get tough, denial is all we have.


	22. Chapter 22

Kirito: Bye Eugeo! Bye Alice! Bye Asuna! Bye Suguha! Bye Eugeo!  
Alice: You said 'bye Eugeo' twice.  
Kirito: I like Eugeo.


	23. Chapter 23

Kirito: If you bite it and you die, it's poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it's venomous.   
Eugeo: What if it bites me and it dies!?   
Alice: Then you're poisonous. Jesus Christ, Eugeo, learn to listen.   
Asuna: What if it bites itself and I die?   
Suguha: That's voodoo.   
Yuuki: What if it bites me and someone else dies?   
Eugeo: That's correlation, not causation.   
Asuna: What if we bite each other, and neither of us die?   
Suguha: That's kinky.   
Kirito: Oh my God.


	24. Chapter 24

Kirito: What does 'take out' mean?  
Eugeo: Food.  
Alice: Dating  
Asuna: Murder  
Suguha: IT CAN MEAN ALL THREE IF YOU'RE NOT A COWARD.


	25. Chapter 25

Kirito: Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the items you have lost throughout your life   
Eugeo: Self-esteem, haven't seen you in years!   
Alice: Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this!   
Asuna: I knew I lost that potential somewhere!   
Suguha: My moral code, is that you?   
Kirito:   
Kirito: I was just gonna show you this cool trunk my mother left me but do you guys need a hug?


	26. Chapter 26

Alice: Why are Kirito and Eugeo sitting with their backs to each other?  
Asuna: They had a fight.  
Alice: Then why are they holding hands?  
Asuna: They get sad when they fight.


	27. Chapter 27

Kirito: Fitness tip: never stop pushing yourself. Some say 8 hours of sleep is enough. Why not keep going? Why not 9? Why not 10? Strive for greatness.   
Eugeo: Next time you're working out do 15 push ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat a whole cake instead of just a slice. Burn your ex's house down. You can do it. I believe in you.   
Alice: There were so many mixed messages in that I can't-


	28. Chapter 28

Kirito: You have to apologize to Eugeo   
Alice: Fine.   
Alice: 'Unfuck you' or whatever.


	29. Chapter 29

Kirito: Here's a fun Christmas idea. We hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to FIGHT whoever else is under it.  
Eugeo: Kirito no.  
Alice: Mistlefoe.  
Eugeo: Please stop encouraging them.


	30. Chapter 30

Kirito: I love you guys, you're the best thing that's happened to me.  
Eugeo: We're the best thing that's ever happened to you?  
Kirito: Yes!  
Alice: I'm starting to feel a little sorry for you.


	31. Chapter 31

Store Worker: Would a Mx. Kirito please come to the front desk?  
Kirito, arriving at the desk: Hello, is there a problem?  
Store Worker: points to Eugeo and Alice  
Store Worker: I believe they belong to you?  
Eugeo and Alice, simultaneously: We got lost :(  
Kirito: I didn't even bring you guys here with me-


	32. Chapter 32

Kirito, whispering to Eugeo, who's on the phone with Alice: Ask them something!  
Eugeo: How are you feeling?  
Alice: Fine.  
Kirito: Something personal!  
Eugeo: At what age did you first get your period?


	33. Chapter 33

Kirito: I can explain.  
Eugeo: Can you?  
Kirito: If you give me thirty seconds to think of a lie.


	34. Chapter 34

Kirito: Bad things keep happening to me, like I have bad luck or something.  
Eugeo: Kirito, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass.


	35. Chapter 35

Kirito: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I'll wait.  
Eugeo: You and me!!!  
Kirito, tearing up: Okay.


	36. Chapter 36

Kirito: Schrödinger's cat is overrated. If you wanna see something that's both dead and alive you can talk to me any time of the day.


	37. Chapter 37

Kirito: If I'm really as evil as you say I am, then have the gods strike me down where I stand.  
*Lightning strikes Kirito*  
Kirito: Ha! Nice try, jackass! Next time, give it your A-game!


	38. Chapter 38

Kirito: bitches b like "im baby" but have childhood trauma and neglect like wtf do u know about being baby u were forced to grow up from an early age anyways I'm bitches


	39. Chapter 39

Kirito: Goodnight moon.  
Kirito: Goodnight tree.  
Kirito: Goodnight ghosts that only I can see.


	40. Chapter 40

Kirito: I'm going to defeat you with the power of friendship! ... And this knife I found.


	41. Chapter 41

Kirito: Okay okay stop asking me if I'm straight, gay, bi, whatever. I identify as a FUCKING THREAT.


	42. Chapter 42

Kirito: You wanna see how hardcore I am?  
Kirito: *punches wall*  
Kirito:  
Kirito: Take me to the hospital.


	43. Chapter 43

Kirito: You seem familiar, have I threatened you before?


	44. Chapter 44

Kirito, tending to Eugeo's wounds: How would you rate your pain?   
Eugeo: Zero stars. Would NOT recommend.


	45. Chapter 45

Kirito: Must be hard not being able to laugh  
Eugeo: I do have a sense of humor you know  
Kirito: I've never heard you laugh before  
Eugeo: I've never heard you say anything funny


	46. Chapter 46

Eugeo: You know, not every problem can be solved with a sword.   
Kirito: That's why I carry two swords


	47. Chapter 47

Kirito, pointing: May I sit there?   
Eugeo: That's my lap   
Kirito: That doesn't answer my question, Eugeo.


	48. Chapter 48

Kirito: i went through an entire character arc during quarantine  
Kirito: i became more evil if you're curious  
Eugeo: We're still in quarantine, don't worry, there's time for a redemption arc still!  
Kirito: i'm going to get worse on purpose


	49. Chapter 49

Kirito: *Accidentally hits Eugeo in the face*  
Kirito: *Trying to decide between saying 'I'm fucking sorry' and 'Are you okay'*  
Kirito: ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY?!  
Eugeo: What's wrong with you?!


	50. Chapter 50

Kirito: Fuck.  
Eugeo: We've got to work on your cursing.  
Kirito: Why? I'm pretty good at cursing already.


	51. Chapter 51

Kirito: *holding a bottle* Is this whiskey or perfume?   
Eugeo: *chugs entire bottle*   
Eugeo: It's perfume.


	52. Chapter 52

Kirito: I am not out of control! I'm a law abiding citizen!   
Eugeo: Really? Name one law   
Kirito: Don't kill people?   
Eugeo: That's on me. I set the bar too low.


	53. Chapter 53

Kirito: Oh just so you know, it's very muggy outside  
Eugeo:  
Eugeo: Kirito, I swear, if I step outside and all of our mugs are on the front lawn...  
Kirito: *Sips coffee from bowl*


	54. Chapter 54

Kirito, struggling to keep upright in their 1 inch heels: Yeah, I-I don't really think heels are for me  
Eugeo, pointing at them and walking flawlessly in sparkly golden 6 inch heels: WEAK.


	55. Chapter 55

Kirito: I'm gonna need a human skull and I can't have you ask any questions why.  
Eugeo: Only if you also don't ask why  
Eugeo: *Pulls out 7 pristine human skulls* Take your pick.  
Kirito:  
Eugeo:  
Kirito: This one is fine


	56. Chapter 56

Kirito: Violence isn't the answer.  
Eugeo: You're right.  
Kirito: *sighs in relief*  
Eugeo: Violence is the question.  
Kirito: What?  
Eugeo, bolting away: And the answer is yes.  
Kirito, running after them: NO-


	57. Chapter 57

Kirito: When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is, having a look around the room and saying 'Haven't decided yet' is typically a good response.


	58. Chapter 58

Kirito: I prevented a murder today.  
Eugeo: Really? How'd you do that?  
Kirito: self control.


	59. Chapter 59

Kirito: You'll have a hard time believing this because it never happens, but I made a mistake.


End file.
